My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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