a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
