I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
