Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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