I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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