Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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