I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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