is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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