Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
