I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
