I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
