: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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