When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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