So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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