I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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