i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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