Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
