I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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