I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
