I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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