Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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