Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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