you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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