Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I think I won the penis lottery.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
