I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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