When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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