she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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