I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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