there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
We're not piercing ourselves today.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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