You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
it glows. i had to have it.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
