dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
