I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
