How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
