You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
