There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
