I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Boobs speak an international language.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
