Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
