That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Randomize
