Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
