you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
