at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
