You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize