wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
