I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
