People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
