then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
