Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
