Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
