Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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