Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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