I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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