There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
