sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
