She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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