i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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