you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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