I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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