I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
