I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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