i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
