the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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