She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
People in love make me want to vomit
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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