so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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