nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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