Kiss
Puke
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
