is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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