FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize